Ooh, You Touch My Tralala
by Shitz-Suji
Summary: On a late night talk show, Kise discovers the existence of fanfiction. His former teammates discover the price they had to pay for all those publicity shots and interviews.


**Shitz-Suji:** All characters owned by Tadatoshi Fujimaki. I own nothing

This is my first KnB fanfiction and I wrote it as a drabble. Enjoy~

* * *

"Kise-kun, would you like to say a few words to your fans?"

"Yes, I would!" The golden haired model stood up, holding his microphone close to his face and shooting a flirty wink to a few audience members. "Thank you everyone! I'm really honored by the encouragements and support you've all given me!"

He bowed deeply and blew kisses into the audience, the deafening cheers and screams echoing in the studio, before he took his seat. Once everybody settled down, the host shuffled her question cards and chuckled as she read a poster marriage proposal meant for Kise.

"So this month in Pass Magazine, you gave an interview regarding your rise to fame as a basketball player with Teiko's 'Generation of Miracles'. I must say, I'd be scared to go against a team like that," the host laughed nervously and adjusted her microphone. "You are a very talented young man, Kise-kun."

"Thank you, Kotomine-san."

"Speaking of talented, have you ever read some of the fanfictions your fans write about you? They're . . . spicy."

"Ehh? Fanfiction?"

(Later That Night)

After the makeup crew cleaned him up and his manager called for his driver to come and pick him up, Kise took the opportunity to rest a bit before he went home to do some homework. Oh wait, tomorrow was Saturday. But it would better to finish it all before his manager called to inform him of a last-minute photo shoot.

Kise shrugged off his Prada blazer and tossed aside as he collapsed into a nearby armchair. That interview took a lot longer than he thought. His ears were ringing from the excessive cheering and earpiece feedback and there was a blotch of pink on his nose that looked suspiciously like a burn one would get from sitting under the stage lights too long.

"Let's see, Kasamacchi said we have practice tomorrow at five. I could probably finish my math homework before then . . ."

_"I'm really honored by the encouragement and support you've all given me!"_

The mounted T.V across from him was broadcasting his interview now. That was quick. By now, his sisters were probably watching it and waiting for him to come home so they could tease him about it. Kise watched himself grinning at the camera while Kotomine-san talked, trying not to fidget as he remembered how uncomfortable he was sitting under hot lights in a wool suit.

_"Speaking of talented, have you ever read some of the fanfictions your fans write about you? They're . . . spicy."_

_"Ehh? Fanfiction?"_

_"So you don't know? Ok, how do I explain this to you? . . . Fans write their own stories with you as the main charact-!"_

_"Aww, I'm so very touched!~"_

Cue the flirty smiles and winks, then the screaming and yelling. Then Kotomine-san asked him a few questions about his personal life, how school was like for him, preparations for photo shoots, and etc. And more screaming and yelling. Kise swore he heard at least three people asking him out on a date on live television. He probably didn't hear them because it was too loud though.

"I'm sooo bored," he whined out loud.

It was going to take another hour before his driver could get to the studio and everyone here was too busy cleaning up than to talk to him. So Kise turned off the T.V and took out his phone. He might as well pass the time by texting Kurokocchi or something.

Or read some fanfiction. Kurokocchi was telling him to read more anyways. Maybe he could find some fanfictions where he was a badass living in a futuristic world where a computer had taken over all of mankind. Sci-Fi was always fun to read.

But on the web search, all he could find were Romance and Drama stories. Fifteen minutes and four stories later, Kise was feeling a little creeped out from reading stories where he was a girl's dream guy, who would do anything-ANYTHING-to make his girlfriend (sometimes wife) happy.

"Teiko's Prince of Miracles?"

YES! Smirking, he clicked on the link and prepared himself to read some awesome basketball action. At the beginning, he was in the locker room warming up for a match against Yoneya JHS, muttering inspirational quotes to himself. Kise remembered that the real Yoneya JHS barely stood a chance against the Generation of Miracles, especially when Aominecchi scored 50 points by himself.

Speak of the devil, Aomine's name appeared in the text three sentences later. Then he . . . pushed Kise against the locker?

_"Ryouta, you might need some help warming up for game . . ."_

The details that described what happened next were so vivid that the real Kise could feel his butt being violated by by a phantom hand. At the bottom of the page was a brief explanation of why the author wrote what she (or he) wrote using quotes that he remembered he himself said for an interview back in his Teiko days. But . . . Aomine was just his friend.

The next chapters weren't any better. He was in a locked classroom with Midorimacchi, then swimming with Kurokocchi. And it wasn't just him, there were other fanfictions inspired by the hundred of interviews the Generation of Miracles gave during their years at Teiko.

"OH MY GOD! No, Kurokocchi! Whyyyy," Kise exclaimed, horrified at what was supposed to be a humor themed fanfiction that turned out to be a tryst between Aomine and Kuroko.

Others were pretty funny. Some authors managed to get Murasakibara's and Akashicchi's personalities down to a T. They were so scary and awkward at the same time that Kise felt like he was standing in front of the real Murasakibara and Akashi, except they were made less intimidating by what they were doing.

Aside from that, he really need to call Kurokocchi right now.

(Kuroko's place)

After a nice shower and the leftovers of a Maji vanilla shake, Kuroko was relaxed enough to start on his history report. But just as he was about to crack open his textbook, his phone rang.

_"Kurokocchi! I'm so glad you answered this time,"_ Kise's voice blared from the speakers. He sounded like he had been crying._ "I need to tell you something!"_

This time? Kuroko looked at the edge of the display screen of his phone and noticed he had twelve missing calls from his yellow-haired friend. Something must be distressing him indeed.

"What's wrong, Kise-kun? Did you leave your sister's favorite pencil at school again?"

_"No! It's worse than that! Go on your computer and type in Kuroko and Aomine!"_ Kise's voice cracked and Kuroko wasn't sure if he was sobbing or laughing.

"But why wou-"

_"Just do it!"_

Not questioning Kise-kun's strange order, he turned on his computer, patiently waited for it to load and typed in his and Aomine-kun's name into the search bar.

_About 615,000 results (0.39 seconds)_

Kuroko clicked on the first link he saw and read its contents, which was a short story. The author used quotes that he remembered saying in an interview two years ago and Kuroko smiled . . . until he read what Aomine was doing to him in the gym after practice was over.

There was more. Murasakibara-kun trapping him in the cafeteria like a small mouse, Akashi-kun disciplining him after indirectly disobeying an order, Kise-kun flirting with him like he was one of his fans . . . The ones of him and Momoi were pretty modest. They never publicly mentioned anything about each other besides how valuable an asset the other was to the team, so there weren't as many 'short stories' about them.

Even so, Kuroko was decent enough to blush when the Kuroko in the stories spontaneously kissed Momoi-san. Why? Because it was not polite to steal a girl's first kiss without her permission.

(Murasakibara's place)

"Ehhh, Kise-chin is calling me. What does he want," Murasakibara mumbled with his mouth full.

He reached for his phone on the table and flipped it open with a lazy flick of his wrist. "Hey Kise-chin."

_"Murasakicchi~ I need to warn you about something. Don't hang up!"_ Was Kise-chin crying?

"What is it," he asked. The purple-haired giant grabbed a handful of chips and munched on them as he listened to Kise's incoherent explanation of something, noting familiar names here and there.

_"Akashicchi might kill me for this . . . but go on your computer and look up 'Akashi and Murasakibara'."_

"Why would he kill yo-"

_"Trust me. If Akashicchi knew, he would kill me."_

"But-"

_*Line Disconnected*_

Murasakibara shrugged and paused the show he was watching on the internet, typing what Kise-chin told him to type into the search bar. To his surprise, he found his name everywhere. He never knew he was so popular before.

_About 149,000 results (0.32 seconds)_

"Post-game Surprise? What's this," he asked to himself. It was pretty long, so Murasakibara only read a few paragraphs, but it was enough to understand why Kise-chin was so upset.

How did they know that he liked vanilla ice cream? Oh wait, he said it before . . . like a year ago in front of a camera? But Murasakibara was very sure that is not what Aka-chin tastes like.

"Kise-chin is really weird," he said to himself. But after a few minutes, he was back to munching on his chips and watching T.V.

(Aomine's place)

It started twenty minutes ago when Tetsu called. Aomine looked at the caller ID and sent the call to voice mail. He was too tired to talk to people, even if they were Tetsu. But the calls kept coming and soon, he felt like throwing his phone against the wall.

He checked the caller ID again because Tetsu would never bother him like this. It was Kise this time, who left him eighteen missed calls.

"What the hell?" Aomine furiously pressed the erase button on his call log and laid down on his bed again, but his phone rang for the nth time. If answering it would make him go away, then so be it.

It was Tetsu again with a message telling him to look up 'Aomine and Kise'. And again he asked 'what the hell'? But since Tetsu (and Kise) went through so much trouble hassling him when he was sleeping, it had to be important. He lazily keyed in 'Aomine and Kise' into the search engine and waited for his damn phone to load the results.

Stupid, crap-tastic phone. He's dropped it so many times, it's a wonder how it's still working right now.

Nonetheless, he quickly scanned through all the search results and picked one, they all looked the same anyways. It was some shitty story written by some random person about friendship. He didn't know people knew he and Kise were friends. Anyways, Aomine was just about to close the page when the Kise in the story talked dirty. And not the kind of dirty people would use when they stepped in mud or poop.

"And then Aomine ran his hands up his shirt, feeling-" he wasn't even going to finish reading that sentence. Sitting up, he typed a quick message back to Tetsu expressing his horror and shock.

_That is some weird shit - Aomine_

A few seconds later, Tetsu texted back.

_There's more, Aomine-kun - Tetsu_

More? Curious, Aomine typed in the names of his former teammates. WHAT. THE. HELL. He was gay with Tetsu and and Murasakibara too? He didn't even talk to Murasakibara that much though! And there were kinda creepy stories about him and Satsuki as well. Eww . . . Satsuki was like a sister to him.

_"Wahhhh~ You can't deny that look between Aomine-kun and Murasakibara-kun. It's true love! I just know it!"_

_"They look so good together!"_

Underneath those comment was a picture from a game that they took back in middle school, right after Teiko wiped some loser school's ass in a game. Aomine remembered that right before the game, he slipped and fell on the slippery court and spilled Murasakibara's only bag of chips. Then after the game, Akashi made them gather together so the photographers outside can take a picture, in which Murasakibara looked like he was ready to kill him.

When Aomine looked through page after page, he realized he was getting into unnecessary shit and turned his phone off before he started looking into this Fem!Kuroko stuff. Dammit, he needed sleep.

(Momoi's place)

"One hundred eighty degrees over pi converted to a degree is-" Momoi was startled when she heard the sharp notes of her phone's ringtone, but she didn't remember where she left her phone.

After a few seconds of searching, it turned out her phone was under her textbook the whole time.

"Hello?"

_"Momoicchi! Go on your computer and look up 'Kuroko and Momoi'! You need to see this!"_

"Tetsu-kun? W-why would I do that, Ki-chan" she sputtered, eyes narrowing suspiciously. "This isn't one of your stupid jokes again, right?"

_"No! I swear!"_

Grudgingly, Momoi pulled up a new tab on her computer and did what Ki-chan asked of her. What she found almost shocked her poor schoolgirl heart to death.

_About 156,600 results (0.39 seconds)_

These were fanfictions. And not just any fanfictions, fanfictions about her and Tetsu-kun. Dare she click on one of them?

Apparently, she dared.

_"I really admire Momoi-san. She's very supportive and a good friend."_

Momoi blanched as she read the details of what would be her fictional first kiss, her imaginations threatening to picture the cherry blossoms in bloom and smell of the dew on the grass. Then she remembered that what the fake Tetsu-chan said mirrored what the real one said in a magazine Q&A a few years ago.

She clearly remembered that he told the interviewer that exact same line when the man asked the first string regulars about their manager. What else was there?

While Momoi was happy that some people out there recognized the love she held for Tetsu-kun, she was glad the collection of stories about her were considerably less than those involving Ki-chan or Dai-chan.

"What is this," she asked to herself. It had Dai-chan's name on it, so she was scared to click on it, but she did anyways because of unadulterated curiosity.

Needless to say, she was not pleased with people pointing out her lack of culinary skills. Dai-chan mentioned it once and suddenly, it was like she couldn't even make a fried egg. Momoi was about to close the tab when her eye caught a screenshot of Akashi-kun's response to the Q&A.

_"What do I think of Satsuki? She's very capable at what she does and without her, Teiko's first string would not have been as successful as it is right now. Personally, I think she is a very intelligent young woman and a valuable part of the team."_

Fans of Akashi Seijuro immediately took to this as the closest thing they could get to a confession of Akashi-kun's private love life. But for Momoi, this was her sign to quit while she was ahead. She didn't need to know how people saw her relationship with Akashi-kun as and she didn't want to.

Wait, was that Midorin's name?

(Midorima's place)

Midorima was quite pleased with himself. His horoscope had said that Cancers would have an unpleasant surprise today, but nothing bad happened to him. On the contrary, his day was quite perfect. Basketball practice went by smoothly, he found 200 yen on the ground today and bought himself a glittery barrette, which was rumored to be tomorrow's lucky item.

Maybe the unpleasant surprise was that he'd find out that he'd have to walk around with a woman's hair ornament in his hair tomorrow, assuming he wasn't going to carry it in his hand or clip it to his shirt. Maybe or maybe not. The day wasn't over yet.

Then he had got a new message from Momoi-san telling him to click on the attached link. It wasn't dubious looking, so he did and waited as it redirected him to a search results page . . . titled Akashi and Midorima

_About 173,000 results (0.42 seconds)_

Tidbits of interviews from his Teiko days filled his screen, but Midorima assumed that Momoi-san wanted him to click on the top search results. So he did, weaving through the poorly constructed sentences of what people thought happened during Teiko's captains meetings. When he came read a witty line that a writer had come up with to an Akashi-like comment, he smirked until he read the rest of it.

_"It doesn't matter what you say or do. I take what I want because I am the victor and you are denied all because you are the loser."_

If Midorima's memory served, didn't Pass Magazine put that under some of Akashi's notable quotes on the court? Honestly, he couldn't remember because there was so many of them, but it sounded really familiar.

_"So if I say I want something from you, I will take it from you."_

Midorima's glasses all but cracked as he read the details of what happened next, his hand unconsciously moving up to cover his mouth as an attempt to shield it from potential danger. Who would write something like this?

He couldn't find the author's name, but a lot of the comments 'justified' the barely-there logic of what he just read.

_"Midorima-kun, you can beat him!"_

_"Ahhhhh! Akashi-kun is so cool!"_

_"You can do it, Midorima-kun. Kick his ass in shogi and win his heart!"_

_"Midorima-kun is so kawaiiiii~~~"_

Feeling more than just disconcerted, he was going to type a response back to Momoi-san and demand why she would send him something like that. But he accidentally clicked the 'Similar Search Results' icon by mistake, which was titled 'Midorima and Kise'.

_About 238,000 results (0.25 seconds)_

There was even more of those stories about him and Kise than there were of him and Akashi! What on earth was the meaning of this?!

Then he remembered the day when Kise pulled him over after a game and 'hugged' him for stopping a punk from trash-talking about him. Photographers captured that moment and published it in various sports magazine as a testimony to teamwork and friendship. But Midorima remembered that he only did because the opposing player was annoying him, so he did the only natural thing others would've done in his shoes and shut him up.

Soon after that day, girls all over Teiko's campus started giving him weird looks to what he attributed to bringing a large stock of broccoli to school as his lucky item. He wasn't very sure that it was the broccoli now.

(Akashi's place)

Finally finished with his homework, Akashi decided to indulge himself and take a break to check his email. What should he do tomorrow? Go horse riding? Play shogi by himself? Maybe he could visit one of those bookshops Tetsuya frequents on his days off. A good book is always the best way to kill time anyways.

Suddenly, the little icon on his instant message turned red, Shintaro's name flashing beside it. He sighed and clicked on it, expecting an invitation from his former teammate to come down to Tokyo and play shogi together.

Instead, he found a list of hyperlinks and a short message written in caps reading, "URGENT."

Not sure what Shintaro meant as urgent, he clicked on one of the links and skimmed through a familiar press interview the head coach arranged for him when he was in Teiko. The parts most emphasized in this interview were the bits about Tetsuya. He already knew what he said, so he scrolled down to the main article of this page.

It was quite long, about 14 pages long if it were in a document format. Akashi was surprised by how well the writer managed to portray the interactions between himself and Tetsuya. Then nineteen paragraphs later, Tetsuya kissed his cheek.

_"It's because of you that I get to do what I love. Thank you."_

_"I didn't do anything. Your drive and passion for basketball is what got you this far. It's a characteristic of yours that I've always found admirable."_

Akashi read on, mildly amused by this interpretation of his friendship with Tetsuya, but he stopped right before an extremely detailed passage of a kiss between their characters. Ok, not right on the sentence where kissing began. But what he read was enough to unnerve someone like him.

Then he found more. And these stories weren't just about him and Tetsuya. He was portrayed in in homoerotic relationships with Atsushi, Ryota, Daiki, and Shintaro as well. A few minutes of browsing through these slandering articles, he discovered a new genre of homoerotic literature he was associated with: Selfcest.

_About 2,600 results (0.26 seconds)_

Normally, it was impossible to engage in a romantic relationship with oneself, but not in this case. Countless stories, based on the three interviews Teiko's basketball team gave before its second championship win, described complicated love stories with Akashi and his 'other self. Sometimes, writers took this 'selfcest' concept to whole other level by changing one or both of his characters into girls.

_"You can't win against me."_

_"It would seem as you haven't learned your lesson yet . . . If you continue resisting me, I will have to resort to other methods to force you on your knees."_

Immediately, Akashi pulled up a reference to the interviews these 'stories' were based on and read through it all to see what might have inspired them.

_Question: How do you feel about your captain?_

_Kise Ryouta: I really respect him. I mean, we all do. Akashicchi is very good at what he does. But I can't help but think that he changed. It's like there's two Akashis. *laughs* I'm just kidding, but can you imagine? _

_Murasakibara Atsushi: Aka-chin? Aka-chin is different from the Aka-chin in our first year. I miss talking to him. _

_Midorima Shintaro: *No comment*_

_Kuroko Tetsuya: He is a very capable person and we are very fortunate to have him as our captain._

_Aomine Daiki: I don't know. He's my captain. He's kinda different now on the court, but I think that's a good thing._

Akashi expected people to notice a change in him after he awakened his latent abilities, but he didn't expect them to come up with things like this.

_Ooh, You Touch My Tralala by KimiKami_

It was one of the most raved about stories about him on the internet. The plot of story centers around Akashi 1 and 2, who eventually end up making sweet passionate love. On a horse. The real Akashi wasn't sure what he should pity more: the author's sanity or the horse. But one thing he was sure about was that the more of these stories he read, the more brain cells he'd lose.

(One Month Later: The MakiMaki Late Night Talk Show)

"Kise-Kun, your new photobook has sold out faster than Sayumi Mastumoto's latest album. How does this make you feel?"

Screams of audience members fell to a quiet hush as Kise smiled at Maki Shougo, the host, and put the microphone to his mouth.

"Scared."

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**Review~**


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